Tag Archives: humor

Exporting ‘Crazy Legislation’ May ‘Become the Engine That Drives TN Economy’

Leave a reply

This session, the Tennessee General Assembly’s output of insane bills may become the jobs-producing legislation the lawmakers thus far have failed to produce, says satirist Scott McNutt. An excerpt:
The state legislators’ batty bill creation has been so prodigious the past few sessions, other states are looking to Tennessee to supplement their own absurd, offensive lawmaking, and Gov. Bill Haslam sees a potential windfall in their interest.
Haslam’s staff learned that, for a bill Arizona Republican Rep. Judy Burges introduced in her state this year, she borrowed language from Knoxville Republican Rep. Bill Dunn’s successful 2012 “academic freedom” legislation. That so-called “thoroughly modern monkey” bill encourages teachers to teach that scientific theories, like evolution, global climate change, relativity or gravity, are controversial.
Before Tennessee passed its monkey bill, Louisiana was the only state in the union with such a regressive law. But Haslam thinks Tennessee’s leadership in the field of backward thinking can be profitable.
“We figured, ‘If our Legislature has us on the leading edge of a backward charge, why not demand a fee from those who want to follow our trailblazing?’ ” he said. “We’ll sell our ditzy bills to other states, instead of them copying them. Given our zany lawmakers, exporting crazy legislation may just become the engine that drives Tennessee’s economy.”
Indeed, despite a 15-bill-per-legislator limit, Tennessee lawmakers are churning out obnoxious bills, ranging from homophobic to paranoiac to xenophobic, at a rate that may make states formerly considered more backward than Tennessee green with envy — and state leaders would like to turn that into the folding kind of green.
“Look at the subjects of the bills we’re working on,” Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey said. “Gun freedom, workers’ compensation curbs, federal law nullification, United Nations prohibitions, religious objections to performing counseling, freedom from motorcycle helmets — and that’s just off the top of my head. If you’re a legislator looking to lead your state back to the past, we’re already miles ahead of you. And for a price, you can follow our lead.”
Still, Tennessee is currently a net importer of silly bills, with groups like the National Rifle Association nd the American Legislative Exchange Council contributing language to, or providing blueprints for, loony legislation, such as this year’s NRA-approved guns-in-trunks bill and previous years’ anti-Islam and anti-union legislation, largely authored by ALEC. But other leading legislators agree that Tennessee can grow to be a top kooky law exporter if it nurtures its native talent for ridiculousness.

Haslam Backs MOOCHERS as Followup to BRIBE

1 Reply

Scott McNutt turned his satire guns on Gov. Bill Haslam Sunday, this time with vouchers as a topic a day before his “state-of-the-state” speech. The piece starts like this:
Gov. Bill Haslam confirmed that, in his annual State of the State address tomorrow, he will introduce his own proposal to create a program in Tennessee to transfer more public money to private hands, beginning with a school voucher system. He declined to elaborate about which private concerns he would make eligible for taxpayer dollars.
The Republican governor told reporters that the tentative title for his plan is the Money Officially Obligated to the Citizenry Hijacked as Earmarks for the Right Schemes (MOOCHERS) program.
“Our MOOCHERS bill is similar to what we did last year with the Business Recruitment Incentivization with Banknote Enticements (BRIBE) system, which allows my administration to fast-track bundles of cash to private businesses that might relocate to Tennessee,” he said.
Haslam last year appointed a task force to study school voucher proposals and other options for allowing public money to transfer to private enterprises. He had previously been undecided about whether he would take the lead on a MOOCHERS proposal or if he would let lawmakers control the professional mendicant measure.
…The governor said his plan will be paid for through the state’s tax dollars. He also ruled out funding vouchers and other MOOCHERS ventures by replicating tax-credit programs created in states like Florida, which offset corporate donations used for similar MOOCHERS programs.
“Sure, we could set up a program where big businesses get tax rebates for funding business welfare projects we favor, but that means they have to wait longer for reimbursements, and we’re looking for the simplest way of transferring taxpayer money directly to private organizations,” Haslam explained.
—
Note: the wrong link was used on this post initially; it has been corrected.

A Task Force on Christmas Poem, of Sorts

Leave a reply

The following was written for a Capitol Hill Press Corps seasonal holiday gathering last week and read aloud by Corps Chair Andrea Zelinski:
The Task Force on Christmas, meeting out at the residence
had cabinet members stirring, although with some hesitance.
A draft proclamation had been hung on a wall
with a Deputy Claude memo explaining it all.
Don’t-Call-Me-Dave and Silent Mike Morrow
had instructions to write puff pieces starting tomorrow.
And the gov in his necktie, with rolled-up shirt sleeves
Sat with Chrissy at a desk, completely at ease.
When at the Conservation Hall door there arose such a clatter,
Bill sprang from his chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he ran like a flash
Tore open the shutters and pulled out his stash.
(Pause) Of Alexia Poe talking points
The moon on the breast of the parking lot pavement
Gave the lustre of mid-day when the staff watched in amazement.,
As, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a busload of legislators, all dressed as red state reindeer.
With the lieutenant governor driving, and Beth riding shotgun
All knew in a moment, the new normal Supermajority was out for some fun
More rapid than eagles the reindeer Republicans came,
And the speakers whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, Campfield! now, Beavers! Courtney Rogers, McCormick
On Kelsey, On Ketron, On, Frank Nicely and Womick
To the top with vouchers! More guns! Less tax!
No health care exchange! Let’s start a reindeer leadership PAC!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So into the bunker the coursers they flew,
Filled with conservative joy, for the governor’s top-to-bottom review.
Bold Bill bade them welcome, and Chrissy did, too
And the task force on Christmas knew just what to do.
“We’ll study your wish list,” said Chief of Staff Cate.
“And the governor has presents to present while you wait.”
Deputy Claude’s eyes twinkled. His dimples how merry.
Emkes’ cheeks were like roses, Roberts’ nose like a cherry
Leslie brought forth packages, tied with red ribbons,
All wrapped with safety by Commissioner Gibbons.
She carried fiscal notes in one hand, in the other letters called flags
But slung across her shoulders were a couple of bags.
Leslie laid them reverently at the governor’s feet
And he smiled and said, “I have for you all a Christmas treat!”
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his beardless chin was as white as the snow;
He had a narrow face and very little belly,
But because of recent bike riding was a little bit smelly.
He said, “For you, Ron Ramsey, a cut in the Hall tax there will be
And for you, Beth Harwell, a signed picture of me!”
“From Julius Johnson to Dolores Gresham, a renewed agriculture enhancement grant
“From Kevin Huffman to Brian Kelsey the promise of a pro-voucher slant.
“For all of you free tickets to a Cleveland Browns game
“And coffee cups bearing the Pilot Flying J name.”
“Proclamations drafted by Legal Counsel Herbert Slatery
“Will provide each Republican legislator with individualized flattery.”
He spoke lots of words: Agenda 21 he would shirk
Denounced Sharia law, called Craig Fitzhugh a jerk.
Henceforth, he said, we’ll all be best buddies
Subject only, of course, to a few task force studies.
“Finally, no I promise no Obamacare exchange.”
And the legislators cheered, and praised his name.
Then Speaker Beth sprung to the bus, Speaker Ron gave a whistle
And away red legislators flew, like the down of a thistle.
The task force heard them shout, as the bus went out of sight
“A Merry conservative Christmas to all,
Our governor’s gone to the right.”

‘Colbert Report’ Lampoons DesJarlais as ‘Alpha Dog of the Week’

Leave a reply

“The Colbert Report” targeted U.S. Rep. Scott DesJarlais from Tennessee Wednesday night, lampooning the pro-life congressman’s abortion scandal, observes Chris Carroll.
The satirical political show on Comedy Central featured revelations that the Jasper, Tenn., physician urged a patient with whom he had a sexual relationship to get an abortion a dozen years ago.
Show host Stephen Colbert recognized the congressman as the show’s “Alpha Dog of the Week,” highlighting a statement on DesJarlais’ website which says “all life should be cherished and protected.”
“DesJarlais recently proved his flexibility by lifting his leg,” Colbert said, “and peeing on his own position.”
…”Shocking!” Colbert said. “A conservative Republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair — and it wasn’t with a man.”
—
Note: Link to the Colbert Report critique of DesJarlais is HERE.

New Haslam Marketing Strategy: Extreme Tourism

Leave a reply

Scott McNutt’s satire gun is pointed this week is pointed at the tourist industry… but it’s sort of a shotgun approach with several targets taking pellets.
So far, Haslam’s only tourism accomplishments are securing regular, annual tourism funding, promising to have marketing proposals by year’s end and replacing the tourism slogan used for the last eight years (“The Stage Is Set for You”) that no one knew existed with a slogan used from 1987-1995 (“We’re Playing Your Song”) that no one knew existed, either.
That is why, say the anonymous sources, Haslam wants to promote Tennessee’s most recognizable attribute: our embarrassing, headline-grabbing extremist officials.
“After U.S. Rep. Todd Akin, R-Mo., alleged the impossibility of women getting pregnant from ‘legitimate rape,’ Missouri’s tourism rate probably shot up 30 percent just from journalists rushing there to leech onto that sound bite,” noted one anonymous committee member.
He said regular citizens seeking “alternative” vacations also would be lured by such objectionable remarks. “They think, ‘Wow, I thought our state’s politicians were the most ignorant, offensive jerks, but he’s worse. This, we got to see!’ ” he explained.
Another committee member believes Tennessee is well-positioned to tap that potential alternative market.
“Tennessee has the assets to profit from people yearning to personally affirm that their politicians aren’t the nation’s worst,” the second source said. “Tennessee is blessed with an abundance of jack-in-office jackanapes, like Knoxville’s state Sen. Stacey Campfield and U.S. Rep Marsha Blackburn.”

A Democratic Security Breach and the Tolerance Paradox

Leave a reply

This week’s Scott McNutt Sunday satire targets the state Democratic Party “security breach” that allowed Mark Clayton’s election as U.S. Senate nominee.
Unlike the recent embarrassing incursion at Oak Ridge’s Y-12 nuclear facilities, in which three aging peaceniks broke through security and vandalized property and that led to a massive personnel shake-up and the removal of the manager there, state Democratic management has stated it will keep itself in place while working to oust the invader who exposed its shortcomings.
Regarding the incident, state Democratic Party Chairman Chip Forrester said, “I have the strongest possible confidence in Chairman Forrester. I also firmly think that nobody could have anticipated the breach of the party. And I’m confident Mr. Forrester will do everything humanly possible to plug the hole in our security and evict the infiltrator — that tea partier in donkeys’ skins — from our precincts. Let me say in conclusion: Heck of a job, Chippy.”
Puttbrese confirmed that his confidence in himself remained undiminished as well, although he declined to add, “Heck of a job, Brandy.”
…For his part, Clayton says he’s not trespassing, that the Democratic Party is his home and he has every right to stay.
“Because my conservative social beliefs dovetail with the Republican platform, people ask me why I didn’t run in their primary,” Clayton said. “Some of my views may be extremely Republican-like, but the Democratic Party is supposed to be the party of inclusion, acceptance and tolerance. So why should a Republican be barred from running as a Democrat?”
In response, Democratic officials referred to the tolerance paradox: that tolerance mustn’t tolerate intolerance.

A Satire Shot: Giving the NRA a Bigger Voice at the Legislature

Leave a reply

Scott McNutt uses a comment by Courtney Rogers — that she’s not going to be a one-issue legislator after beating House Republican Caucus Chairman Debra Maggart — as a starting point for a satire salvo targeting politicians, the National Rifle Association and allies.
A Snark Bites excerpt:
Cox suggested that the solution was for the NRA to appoint its own officials to state government.
“It’s less expensive, and we’d no longer have to go to the regrettable lengths of making examples of more of you — as our dear friend John Harris, president of the Tennessee Firearms Association, put it — with high-profile political crucifixions, as we were forced to do with poor Debra,” Cox explained.
Cox added that gun-advocate groups “probably represent a larger constituency than your Democratic counterparts in your so-called two-party system.”
Harwell responded that the Legislature’s leaders would do their utmost to respect the rights of gun zealots and find ways to coexist peacefully with them within the legislative structure.
“We will always do what is best for the state of Tennessee’s government,” Harwell said. “We are always open to discussion, but our job is to upend, er, uphold the Constitution and do what’s best for the state government’s officials. And if allowing the NRA to appoint its own government members is what’s best for us, you can rest assured they’ll be appointed, lickety-split.”
Cox said that, whether it was accomplished through sponsored legislators or NRA-appointed government officials, the organization would be passing a bill in the next legislative session to guarantee that weapons could await their owners in their owners’ vehicles parked at work, regardless of employers’ wishes.
…”In the next session, we plan to bring bills for guns in kindergartens, guns in nursery schools, guns in maternity wards and for emergency guns being installed in public places next to fire alarms with instructions reading, ‘In case of emergency, pull trigger,’ ” he explained. “Such emergency kits would have prevented some of the recent tragedies where innocent firearms were wrongly used.”
Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam reacted cautiously to the dialogue between the gun activists and Harwell, saying he didn’t yet know if he would now pay fealty to the NRA’s Cox.
“It’s a little early to comment on whether I’ll be genuflecting to perform the traditional kissing of the NRA’s ceremonial rifle butt,” Haslam said. “But does this guarantee that we’ll be talking about how I might appease the NRA next year? Yes, it does.”