The following was written for a Capitol Hill Press Corps seasonal holiday gathering last week and read aloud by Corps Chair Andrea Zelinski:
The Task Force on Christmas, meeting out at the residence
had cabinet members stirring, although with some hesitance.
A draft proclamation had been hung on a wall
with a Deputy Claude memo explaining it all.
Don’t-Call-Me-Dave and Silent Mike Morrow
had instructions to write puff pieces starting tomorrow.
And the gov in his necktie, with rolled-up shirt sleeves
Sat with Chrissy at a desk, completely at ease.
When at the Conservation Hall door there arose such a clatter,
Bill sprang from his chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he ran like a flash
Tore open the shutters and pulled out his stash.
(Pause) Of Alexia Poe talking points
The moon on the breast of the parking lot pavement
Gave the lustre of mid-day when the staff watched in amazement.,
As, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a busload of legislators, all dressed as red state reindeer.
With the lieutenant governor driving, and Beth riding shotgun
All knew in a moment, the new normal Supermajority was out for some fun
More rapid than eagles the reindeer Republicans came,
And the speakers whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, Campfield! now, Beavers! Courtney Rogers, McCormick
On Kelsey, On Ketron, On, Frank Nicely and Womick
To the top with vouchers! More guns! Less tax!
No health care exchange! Let’s start a reindeer leadership PAC!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So into the bunker the coursers they flew,
Filled with conservative joy, for the governor’s top-to-bottom review.
Bold Bill bade them welcome, and Chrissy did, too
And the task force on Christmas knew just what to do.
“We’ll study your wish list,” said Chief of Staff Cate.
“And the governor has presents to present while you wait.”
Deputy Claude’s eyes twinkled. His dimples how merry.
Emkes’ cheeks were like roses, Roberts’ nose like a cherry
Leslie brought forth packages, tied with red ribbons,
All wrapped with safety by Commissioner Gibbons.
She carried fiscal notes in one hand, in the other letters called flags
But slung across her shoulders were a couple of bags.
Leslie laid them reverently at the governor’s feet
And he smiled and said, “I have for you all a Christmas treat!”
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his beardless chin was as white as the snow;
He had a narrow face and very little belly,
But because of recent bike riding was a little bit smelly.
He said, “For you, Ron Ramsey, a cut in the Hall tax there will be
And for you, Beth Harwell, a signed picture of me!”
“From Julius Johnson to Dolores Gresham, a renewed agriculture enhancement grant
“From Kevin Huffman to Brian Kelsey the promise of a pro-voucher slant.
“For all of you free tickets to a Cleveland Browns game
“And coffee cups bearing the Pilot Flying J name.”
“Proclamations drafted by Legal Counsel Herbert Slatery
“Will provide each Republican legislator with individualized flattery.”
He spoke lots of words: Agenda 21 he would shirk
Denounced Sharia law, called Craig Fitzhugh a jerk.
Henceforth, he said, we’ll all be best buddies
Subject only, of course, to a few task force studies.
“Finally, no I promise no Obamacare exchange.”
And the legislators cheered, and praised his name.
Then Speaker Beth sprung to the bus, Speaker Ron gave a whistle
And away red legislators flew, like the down of a thistle.
The task force heard them shout, as the bus went out of sight
“A Merry conservative Christmas to all,
Our governor’s gone to the right.”