And it came to pass that a new king arose to rule the Land of the Tense Sea, a young prince beloved among eastern chieftains of the tribe called Grizzled Ole Plutocrats, or GOPs for short, who had fought for as long as tales are told with the warlike Demoncrat tribe.
But the Demoncrats had fallen into disarray in the wars of recent years, even as one of their number, King Philip, held the throne, while the GOPs grew strong and bold. And Philip grew old in his reign and abdicated. It is said that fearful visions of a Demoncrat Obamanation had something to do with this, but that is another story.
The new king was named William, or Billy for short, and he was the son of Baron Big Jim, patriarch of a clan that had come into great wealth and power as keepers of small pastures known as grass stations, where travelers might graze their oxen, horses and other beasts of burden for a small fee. At the grass stations, Big Jim would erect a lamp and signs declaring “Here is Grass” so that passing folk might know to pilot themselves to the pasture, even in darkness.
And Big Jim saw to it that the grass was good and cheaper than the competition’s, so that citizens of the realm would ask, upon seeing a patch of green as they sought sustenance for their beasts, “Has it a Lamp?” And the clan became known as “Has Lamp” for the affirmative reply.
Now, the Has Lamp clan was great amongst the GOPs, serving as counselor and provider of swords and sustenance to many legendary tribal leaders. Among them were the Lord Lamar, Corkerer the Sorcerer and the exiled monarch, Donnie the Sun King, who had reigned over the land in peace until he came to believe in the End Comes Text, whereupon he was overthrown by the Demoncrat Philip, the Well Bred Son, who aligned himself with many GOPs. (Some whisper that Big Jim, quietly, was among them during Philip’s skirmish with a rebellious GOPs warlord known as the Hilarious One.)
Billy was a gentle and scholarly youth, who thought once of becoming a priest among the common people. But the Has Lamp family called, and Billy labored long and hard in the grass stations until the fortune of the family and himself was secured
He wedded the Countess Crissy, a fair lady of the western lands of the Tense Sea, and they settled with others of the Has Lamp clan in the Ville of Knocks, a fiefdom then ruled by a GOP lord called The Victor. When The Victor went away to become ambassador to a far land, Billy came to rule in his stead after being counseled by Corkerer the Sorcerer and rallying the people with the aid of the Has Lamp clan.
And so, when King Philip declared that he would leave the throne, Billy summoned his family, friends and many GOP nobles and laid plans to succeed him. But other GOPs had the same notion, including Ramses, a warlord of Legislatorland, and the Wampster, a shaman of the Southeast, who declared themselves men of the far righteousness ready to destroy all Demoncrats, cursing them as Obamanations and waving battle axes.
But Billy Has Lamp spoke only of his love for the people and, sometimes, of chocolate pie. He bore a red umbrella as he went among the people, who praised him as “a nice guy.” Ramses and the Wampster shouted and called him foul names such as “moderate” and even “liberal.” Billy explained that this was not so.
Then he spoke of his plans to bring a new normal to the people, to fashion a sword called Dashboard, to use a mysterious device called matrix and other magical means to bring peace, happiness and jobs to all the land without any taxes — after a top-to-bottom review.
The GOPs all across the Tense Sea rallied to the Billy of the Has Lamp and paid no heed to Ramses and the Wampster, who eventually bowed, paid homage and spoke no more ill of him.
Oh, and a Demoncrat peddler of ale and other beverages, known as bald Michael and son of the great King Ned the Bald of past glory, briefly tried to rally remnants of his tribe against Billy’s assumption of the throne. But it was a time of GOP glory and Michael was easily vanquished.
And so Good King Billy assumed the throne and, assembling a group of wise counselors, began the top-to-bottom review.
(To be continued.)